Friday, 24 January 2014

A Very Open & Honest Blog Post

As a little disclaimer i want to make it very clear that this post is in no way a cry for sympathy, empathy or anything 'thy' related nor do i want to start a massive discussion about the subject. This is something i want to openly talk about as a way to relieve myself of something i have had to deal with since i was little so please don't judge. It's taking a lot for me to write about this and it's thanks to my amazing boyfriend Carl that i feel i can finally open up.

If someone tells you they are psychic, would you believe them? The majority of you would say no but there are some who do believe in the gift and live their life by it. I..unfortunately am one of the people who believe in the gift because i have it myself. 

I am not one of the ghostbusters and i hate people like Derek Acorah who for all intents and purposes are a charlatan claiming to be able to see the dead and know every single detail about them ( Derek is well known for being a fraud ). My nana had the gift aswell but i didn't know this until my early teens when she passed away herself. I was left some jewelery in her will and among the bits and bobs was her old pendulum. A pendulum is a stone hanging from a chain and you basically ask it questions. It will swing one way for yes, one for no and one for maybe. I was kind of surprised to receive it along with a letter from her saying she knew i had the gift, the pendulum was now mine etc etc because i genuinely thought i was a freak hence why i kept it from my family so to know my nana had the same ability was massively reassuring.

So what am i capable of? Well if you think i am like Odame Brown from Ghost who sits at a table and gives messages from the dead and let's them 'take me over', i'm sorry to disappoint. I am more like ( i can't believe i'm saying this ) Edward Cullen from Twilight. I can look at a complete stranger and know what they are thinking, what kind of person they are, what they have done in their life, what their job is..basically i can read people. I can also sense what is about to happen within the next couple of minutes for example..i will be watching the tv and know what adverts will appear and in what order or i will know that Carl is about to ring me and know in advance what he will tell me. 

There is no specific name for my gift although many would call it Telepathy. I personally hate the word as i find it very glorified for what it actually is. I would say it is more of a sister to advanced psychology. If you watch a programme like Wire in the Blood where Tony ( Robson Green ) uses his psychology skills to get into the mind of a killer and figure out what happened, i am the upgraded version of him. Cool? Not really.

I personally hate that i have this gift. Many would love to be able to do what i can do but it has been a burden for most of my life. When i walk down the street, i can pass someone and instantly sense that inside they are grieving for someone they have just lost though they have a smile on their face. I can look at a couple and know that they will either marry or break up. It's incredibly difficult and emotionally draining so witness this kind of thing on a daily basis so i chose to ' shut myself down '. This means that i close down my ' third eye ' to the world and close the door to that side of life, this in itself is bloody hard work. If i was to describe the difficulty in shutting yourself down, it would be similar to giving up something you are addicted to, a bit like cold turkey only instead of doing it over a period of time, you do it within 30 minutes. It's one of the hardest challenges i have faced and i have felt so much better for it...until yesterday.

I explained in a previous blog post that i work for the police cleaning up stations and prison cells..i also clean crime scenes and yesterday i was asked to clean up a murder scene ( i won't go into details of who, what, where, when and why for obvious reasons ). When i approached the property i felt nothing, i was there to work and that was it until i stepped through the door. It was like i was sat on the sea shore and then out of nowhere, a wave approaches me and knocks me back onto the beach. I have never experienced such an influx of memories, senses and emotions in my life. I saw everything that happened, i felt everything that happened, i felt the pain, the suffering...everything and it was so overwhelming i had to leave and go for a walk. I didn't tell my colleagues about why i left other than i needed some air but it was extremely difficult being there. What scared me the most was not so much knowing everything that happened there, but the fact that the power behind this place was strong enough to break through my walls and get into my head even though i have been shut down to such things for nearly 8 months. 

Driving home, i felt sick and was in a daze and once i got back home i went upstairs and cried. I wouldn't say i am unemotional as a person but i don't cry easily which makes what happened all the more crazy. I didn't know the victim but i felt their emotions and it really affected me. I now see this as a sign that i should open myself back up to these things.

I don't openly talk about my 'gift' with anyone, only Carl and a few of my friends know but i think it's something i should share with everyone. I am not the type of person who would use their gift for profit which i think is barbaric and i don't take personal requests from anyone. I was obviously given this gift for a reason, maybe it is to improve my perception of other people as i trust way too easily? Who knows.

One thing that i do frequently is talk to my nana. I know for a fact that she is with me at all times because she's a bugger for moving stuff around mine and Carl's bedroom and i can smell her ( she always smelt of creme puff and estee lauder perfume ). But unlike the so called psychics who can ' talk to the dead ' la de da, it's not so black and white with me. I talk to my nana in my head and i can hear her voice replying back to me. I don't believe you can talk out loud to spirits, nor do i believe in ghosts but that is me personally, everyone is free to believe in what they wish. 

I feel loads better for opening up about this, it has been a real burden to me over the years but if it wasn't for Carl i wouldn't be talking about it so thanks babe. Tang!

K x

P.S As much as i don't believe in cliche's...don't EVER dabble with a Ouija Board. It may all sound hocus pocus and very Hollywood but they are bloody dangerous and bad things do me. 

1 comment:

  1. I think its great your opening up about this.
    I wouldn't call myself psychic but I feel like I have a sixth sense with certain things...mainly spiritual. According to my aunt I have the same gift she has which was passed down from a witch ancestor. Ever since I was a kid I've seen things that have felt certain energies. They come to me in dreams or are there when I wake up. It can be pretty terrifying at times which is why I close down my third eye too at times. When its open weird things happen in my house. Doors slam in my face, things fly off cabinets, whispers in my ear.

    There's a positive side to it too though I think. When I was at rock bottom I woke up to an amazing feeling. I felt like there was a bunch of people in the room with me all filling me with love and hope and egging me to stay strong. It was so reassuring and it helped me a lot.

    I don't care what people think. If they think I'm weird then so be it. You shouldn't have to hide who you are.
    Great post to read :)

    Sammeh x


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