Thursday, 15 September 2016

I need a break

The title of this post is a little confusing but hopefully I can explain.

In the last 2 weeks, my world has changed quite dramatically. I know minds will be racing with 'Oh god what's happened, is she ok'? But one thing a lot of people don't know about me is that I am a very private person when not with very close friends and because the situation involves other people, I'm also respecting their privacy.

Anyway like I said, my life has taken a huge turn and I am now in a very difficult position where my life has done a complete 360 and a lot has changed and will have to be changed. The initial thing that happened to me and my family has now set off a landslide of other runs of pure bad luck that seem to be following me around like the plague. If anyone tells you bad luck comes in 3s...believe them.

I've been around for 30 years now and I have spent the majority of that being the 'rock' for everyone else and their problems and don't get me wrong, I have loved being able to help everyone around me but there comes a point where I have to pull off my armour and admit defeat. I have spent so long putting everyone else before myself that I've forgotten that I'm the same as everyone else - I have feelings, I have my own problems to deal with and even sometimes I need help. Unfortunately because of the absolute shit I am going through, there is no one and nothing that can help me - Ironic isn't it, someone who trained to be a counsellor that cannot listen to their own advice.

It's not often I feel like a failure, I admit when I'm wrong of course (well, eventually) but in the last 2 weeks, circumstances have made me feel like I can do nothing right and that I've failed to make everything better. It's not something I should be feeling but because it's been so hard to cope with, I've hit rock bottom. The worrying thing for me is that I have been in this kind of place before many years ago and the prospect of reliving that time is terrifying me which is why I need to take some massive action right now to stop it happening.

I'm bloody lucky and I mean REALLY lucky to have some amazing friends and family that have supported me lately but in turn, I feel like all I am doing is bringing them down and I refuse to do it anymore. It's driving me mad because I've been trying so hard to put on my happy face and show the world 'I'm OK' but it's getting harder every day that I'm faking it. For example, a very dear friend of mine recently got engaged and I wish I could celebrate with her but I would just end up being miserable and ruining it for her and that's the last thing in the world I want to do.

The hardest thing of all is that even with all the shit I am dealing with, I still have to be a mum. My daughter is being so supportive but she doesn't need her mum falling apart at the seams and she is like my driving force to get my head together and get my life sorted.

I've made the huge decision to literally cut myself off from the world. I know I will get people ringing and texting, I'm getting it now but I really need to be left alone. I've made plans to go away next week just so I can get out of Hull and try to figure out what is best for me, whether it will help or not I can't say but I hope to fuck it gives me something. I will be continuing to go to work, apart from the fact I need the money, work is a huge distraction which right now is a blessing and I work with some very kind people who know about my situation.

So this goodbye isn't permanent, not by a long stretch but I've hit an all time low and I'm refusing to go any lower.

I'll talk to you all soon

Kate x

1 comment:

I love reading your comments, i'll always reply so write as many or as few as you like :) It's always good to talk